Woeful Dulwich Hamlet crumple, fold and are shredded at Cray Valley Paper Mills

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

How bad was last night? It was dropped your last pint bad. It was lost your brand new phone bad. It was I’ve travelled 88 stops on the bus to watch Dulwich Hamlet throw away a victory bad. And trust me, that’s bad.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

But first the good news: Cray Valley share a rather pleasant ground with Greenwich Borough, with a modern, comfortable bar and just enough shelter to house their modest crowds.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

I do love a good turnstile legend and this one was truly splendid, reading:

Delucies Patent Rush Preventative Turnstile.

Sole Makers W T Ellison & Co Limited, Irlams- O-Th-Height, Manchester.

The ever useful Grace’s Guide informs me that the Rush Preventive Turnstile was  patented in England February 19, 1892.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Like a coiled cobra, the wonderfully pointless Players Tunnel is posed to unleash itself.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

At the tea bar. Veggie options = 0. In my world the home team should be docked two goals for that.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Condiment table action shot.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

And so to the football. If it’s alright with you lot, I’d rather not talk about it too much because it’s all a bit depressing, but to condense it down:

First half: Hamlet totally dominant. Went 2-0 up. Looked like an easy win was in the bag.

Second half: Cray come out fighting. Hamlet saunter around the park as if the win is already in the bag. There’s millions of corners. Hamlet can’t score. Cray managed to score two to extend the agony into extra time.

Extra time: It slowly dawns on the Hamlet players that the big juicy home cup final tie is slowly slipping from their grasp. Cray score a third. Hamlet have another million or so corners but are unable to score leading Cray’s already annoying goalkeeper to extend his repertoire of smugness further.

Final whistle: I scarper at high speed to get back to the comfort blanket of a Brixton pub. It is 44 bus stops away. I am not happy.

(*If you want a really, really comprehensive report of the game, check out the Kentish Football site, or read this report from the nonleaguematters.co.uk site.)

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Hamlet go 0-1 up.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Hamlet go 0-2 up. I should have left at this point.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Some stitching work needed.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

The have An Actual Electrified Fence!

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Fortress like fencing.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

The Press Box was astounding. Two normal seats with a plank of wood to rest a notebook.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Behind the goals was some kind of sluice arrangement. It looked more interesting than the game.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Their overly-pumped up goalie caused some considerable mirth when he emitted a bizarre “Wheeeee” noise on the completion of a successful save.

“Wheee!” went the crowd back at him for the remainder of the game.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Dalek bin 2.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

The majesty of the AstroTurf Zone.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Curious arrangement in the loo.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Journalist makes note: “Hamlet really are crap tonight.”

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

A be-helmeted Hamlet fan falls down a deep, narrow hole.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

The exasperated Dulwich faithful.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Some Shakespeare perhaps?

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

A closer look at the (ferret repelling?) electrified fence.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Big lumpy holes in the goalmouth.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Paw marks in the concrete.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

The second half begins. It dribbled into extra time and then ended with a sound akin to the last three seconds of very heavy gentleman sitting on a whoppee cushion.

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Cray Valley Paper Mills, Thursday 20th April 2017

Full time – Cray Valley 3 Dulwich Hamlet 2. A victory well earned for the hosts.

Get behind the Hamlet!

Dulwich Hamlet info:
Dulwich Hamlet Football Club
Champion Hill Stadium
Edgar Kail Way
East Dulwich
LONDON
SE22 8BD
Tel: 020 7274 8707
[Map location]

Admission prices:

  • £10 for Adults
  • £4 for Concessions – Seniors – 60+, Teenagers (13-19), Unemployed (JSA), Disability Living Allowance (DLA), NHS Staff, Blue Light Services, Serving Members of the Armed Forces and Full Time Students. (Please bring valid ID)
  • Under 13s FREE accompanied by a paying adult

See full fixture list for 2016-17 season

Season tickets and admission prices for 2017-2018 season